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Putting
it out there for all to see
Christopher DeLorenzo, Match.com
For
many of us, giving and receiving affection is one of the best parts
of having an intimate relationship, and this may range anywhere
from a hand on your partner's knee to a big, juicy kiss. Everyone
has his or her opinion about public displays of affection (PDA),
but most people generally accept hetero hugging and kissing in public.
When
I see couples kissing or touching in public, I may stare in fascination
or turn away in shyness, but ultimately, I'm happy for them. For
instance, just last week I was riding the streetcar and a young
hetero couple was standing in the back kissing passionately. The
guy next to me muttered, "They obviously like one another,"
and I thought it was romantic, but I wondered later, would our reactions
have been different if it was a same sex couple standing back there?
Then
vs. now
When I was younger gay man and struggling with feelings of shame,
being in a gay neighborhood and seeing same sex couples walking
hand in hand filled me with hope. I knew that I wanted to love that
openly and hoped one day I would be able to. Today I no longer feel
that shame; I feel pride, and part of that pride is renewed by consistently
seeing gay people being openly loving and affectionate. In psychology
this is called "positive reinforcement," and we all need
it.
What
complicates this healthy desire is the variation on the theme of
PDA—and the bigotry that still exists in our society.
Drawing
the line
Some people are truly sweet when they kiss and touch in public,
whether they are holding hands, hugging or sitting with their arms
around one another. But everyone draws the line somewhere.
For
me, it's when people put on a show. If you're getting hot and heavy
on the streetcar, and shirts are getting untucked or opened, you
are entering the realm of exhibitionism and looking for voyeurs.
At that point, I think it's more about putting on a show for a mostly
unwilling audience, and then, I have to say, you should really be
doing that in private. But that doesn't excuse the hetero expression,
"I don't care what you do in private, I just don't want to
see it in public," because we all know what a double standard
that is.
As
gay people we must live our lives openly and combat bigotry by showing
the world that being affectionate is a human need, one that can
be done with dignity and respect for ourselves and those around
us. Although we have to be careful about where we openly display
our affection for one another, and we need to do it with good taste,
I salute those brothers and sisters who openly walk hand and hand
and remind us that there isn't room for more shame in our lives.
Pride is expressed in many different ways.
Putting
it out there for all to see by Christopher DeLorenzo
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